


gospel around his fingers

by briizy



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: M/M, Panic Attacks, Truth or Dare
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-12
Updated: 2017-05-12
Packaged: 2018-10-31 03:26:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10890711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/briizy/pseuds/briizy
Summary: “Nurse, I dare you to kiss the prettiest person in the room. Not counting me.” Lardo pretends to flip a lock of hair over her shoulder. “We all know I’d smoke you bitches,” she adds, grinning. Her teeth flash in the low lighting, and she knocks back the last of her drink as the gather group lets out joking boos.





	gospel around his fingers

**Author's Note:**

> come hang out and cry with me on tumblr @ sinbinhagelin!
> 
> title comes from profane by ashe vernon, who is kickass and a lovely poet. go check it outtttt!
> 
> also, trigger warning for a panic attack. the character has help throughout the attack and is not left alone afterwards.

Dex slams the door shut and presses against the wood, leaning his head back and sucking in a deep breath. He stares blindly up at the ceiling and–

* * *

_“Nurse, I dare you to kiss the prettiest person in the room. Not counting me.” Lardo pretends to flip a lock of hair over her shoulder. “We all know I’d smoke you bitches,” she adds, grinning. Her teeth flash in the low lighting, and she knocks back the last of her drink as the gather group lets out joking boos._

 

_They all “ooh” at Nursey as he raises a challenging eyebrow and smirks at Lardo. He makes a show of looking around the room, leering slightly at the other players of spin the bottle_ – _Holster, Dex, Tango, Ollie, Wicks, and a few members of the volleyball and soccer teams. Bitty is grinning from his spot on the floor next to Lardo and Dex, watching as Nursey catches the eye of each person._

* * *

 “Dex!” The memory is abruptly interrupted as Chowder’s voice comes from beyond the door. “Come on, man!” Dex tries to straighten up, but his legs refuse to work. He sinks down to the floor, back still pressed against the door, trying to suck in deep breaths of air. He drops his head between his knees, squeezing his eyes shut and–

* * *

_Dex watches as Nursey tilts his head and grins at Lardo again; he can hear the sounds of the party around them as Bitty leans against him for a second, swaying with his inebriated fit of the giggles. Dex’s drink is in a cup by his side, questionable contents a source of courage in this dumb game Holster has suggested. He’s buzzed, but not drunk, since the night is still pretty young, and he has a 8AM tomorrow he really hates showing up hungover for._

 

_He’s brought back to the game as Nursey leans forward into the middle of the circle._

 

_“No fucking question,” he says, “I know who’s the prettiest.” Dex rolls his eyes. He looks down to locate his drink, not really willing to sit and watch Nurse make out with someone. Again._

 

_The immediate crowd around him goes quiet._

 

_Dex feels a warm palm curl around his jaw, tipping his face up._

 

_He meets Nursey’s green, green gaze, and his own eyes widen with shock._

 

_Nursey leans forward, and his breath is warm across Dex’s skin._

* * *

Dex can’t breathe, he can’t _fucking_ breathe. Jesus, it’s been awhile since he’s freaked this badly. He fists his hands in his hair, trying to get a grip, and feels a muffled thump against the door at his back.

 

“Dex!”

 

His lungs won’t fucking work.

* * *

_Nursey’s lips are soft, his stubble scratching slightly, but his mouth is gentle against Dex’s. His hand drifts up over the sharp corner of Dex’s jaw and into his hair, thumb stroking over Dex’s temple. Dex reflexively curls his hands over Nursey’s ribs, eyes slamming shut as he inhales sharply in shock. Distantly, he can hear the muffled sounds of cheering from the surrounding crowd of people, but all he’s focused on is the rabbiting thump of his heartbeat in his ears._

 

_Nursey makes a little sound as he feels Dex’s hands on him, chest lifting as he leans into Dex’s touch. Dex fists his hands in Nursey’s shirt and lets out a noise of his own when Nursey pulls away for a second, long legs scrambling as he fits himself into Dex’s lap._

 

_He feels like he’s moving in a daydream, everything syrupy sweet and slow as Nursey worries his lower lip with his teeth, licking over the soft bite in apology. Dex opens his mouth, lets him in, tugs him closer by the hand he has tight in the fabric over his heart and the palm wrapped around his waist._

 

_Bitty knocks into his side and he’s abruptly torn out of the daydream. He jerks back from the wet heat of Nursey’s mouth; Nursey falls back into the middle of the ring, eyes wide and shocked as he lands on his ass. Something shutters in his eyes as he turns to grin at Lardo._

 

_“There. Prettiest in the room,” he snarks, standing up to perform a sweeping bow as the crowd whistles and cheers, applauding like it was a fucking performance, which -_

 

_Oh._

 

_Dex feels his stomach drop, ice rushing through his veins even as the aching scorch of humiliation burns its way across his skin. He scrambles up from his seat, knocking his cup to the side as he staggers back from the ring of people who turn to look at him, laughing and grinning._

 

_He stammers out an apology and turns away, barely feeling it when he slams his shoulder into Chowder’s as he takes off. He needs to get away, right fucking now._

 

_A performance._

 

_Of course._

* * *

He barely feels it when Chowder finally puts enough force behind the door to push it (and Dex) out of the way. Dex sees his battered Chuckies come into view through the gap in his knees as he stares blindly down at the floor, trying to keep enough air in his lungs. He feels Chowder press a hand to his shoulder as he kneels down, frantic murmur of his voice breaking through the cotton stuffed in his head.

 

“Get Nursey, he knows how to help with this.” Dex begins to frantically shake his head, but Chowder just shushes him and shifts his hand to the back of Dex’s neck, trying to ground him.

 

Dex is trying to stop the shaking in his hands as they clench in his hair when he feels someone else kneel next to his side.

 

“Hey, hey. It’s alright, you’re okay. In and out with me, man, it’s okay,” he hears. Nursey takes the hand tugging on his hair and presses it to his chest, leans down to quietly speak near his ear. “Feel me breathe, in and out.”

 

Dex shudders through a breath, failing to match Nursey, but he gets a ragged gasp out. Distantly, he knows he’s going to be mortified about this happening in front of other people, later, but at the moment he’s just relieved to have some oxygen.

 

Nursey wraps his hand around Dex’s neck, curling it over Chowder’s where he’s still on Dex’s other side; their palms feel warm even through the heat in his skin. Dex’s palm is still over Nursey’s heart. He concentrates on the steady thump of it as his chest rises and falls with the measured breaths he takes. Chowder counts him out, low voice softly reciting “In, two-three-four-five-six, hold, two-three-four, out, two-three-four-five-six-seven.”

 

Eventually, the dizziness in his head clears, and he slowly lifts his gaze, not meeting their eyes. He keeps doing the calming rhythm of breathing they had led him in, but there are no more gasps. He unclenches his fist and squeezes his eyes shut.

 

“Sorry,” he rasps. Chowder makes a quiet noise, shuffling on his knees a bit. Dex looks up to meet his gaze, already feeling a little blush stealing over his cheeks. “Uh,” Dex clears his throat. “Thanks.”

 

“Of course, Dex,” Chowder’s voice is gentle as Dex shifts his weight forward, preparing to stand.

 

“Hold up, Poindexter, just give yourself a second more,” Nursey says. Dex swallows and doesn’t look over.

 

“I’m fine,” he says, leaning heavily against the wall as he stands up.

 

“Dex–”

 

“I’m _fine_.” Chowder’s mouth closes with a snap, slight frown etched on his face. Dex sighs and opens his arms. “Sorry, Chow.”

 

He’s immediately wrapped up in a Chowder Hug™, arms tight around his ribs and chin tucked over his shoulder as Dex startles a bit. He relaxes into the hug much faster than he normally would, ducking his head and closing his eyes as he pats Chowder’s back.

 

“Okay, alright,” he says, once Chowder shows no signs of backing off. “Chowder.”

 

“Chow.”

 

“ _Chris_.”

 

“Sorry! Sorry. Just. Sorry.” Chris says as he steps away. “Are you okay?” Dex tries to give him a smile, but it comes out more like a grimace.

 

“I’m good.” He shrugs. “Probably going to head home, though.” Chowder nods in understanding and keeps close to his side as he leaves. “Come on, Chow, get back to Farmer. I’m good, I promise.”

 

Chowder looks him over with a critical eye. “Are you sure?” he asks, tilting his head. Dex nods tiredly.

 

“I’ve got him, Chowder.” Nursey’s voice comes from behind them, barely heard over the distant music from the Haus. Chowder grins and thumps Nursey on the back, pressing a hand to Dex’s shoulder before he leaves.

 

Dex takes a deep breath and sets out determinedly towards his dorm, letting Nursey fall into step beside him.

 

“Can we talk about this later?” he asks.

 

“If, by later, you mean in ten minutes once we get into your room? Yes.” Nursey’s voice is still level and measured, his eyes straight ahead when Dex sneaks a glance at him.

 

They don’t talk for the rest of the walk, letting the sounds of Samwell River fill the silence as they head to East Quad, where their sophomore dorms are.

 

It’s only when Dex is sitting cross-legged on his bed, back pressed to the wall, and Nursey is on his desk that he speaks.

 

“So. Is this a freakout because you kissed a dude, or…?” Nursey asks. Dex sends him a tired glare.

 

“Nope,” he bites out. Nursey blinks at him expectantly. Dex rolls his eyes. “Alright, therapy time? Is that what this is?”

 

“That’s what this is.” Dex sighs.

 

“No, it’s not a gay freakout. Got over that after a talk with Jack when he and Bits came out.” He looks down at his fiddling fingers, feeling the silence stretch between them again. “He’s helped me work through some shit,” he finishes gruffly.

 

“What is it, then?” Dex looks up and meets Nursey’s gaze for the first time since their– their _kiss_ ended. All of the sudden, anger rushes through him. An image of the smirk on Nursey’s face as he bowed springs to the forefront of his mind, and he’s fucking _furious_.

 

“Fuck you. _Fuck. You_.”

 

“Woah, Dex–” Nursey puts his hands up, furrowing his brow.

 

“You have no idea, do you?”

 

“Dex–”

 

“Fucking, _look_ at me. You think I find it _amusing_ , to have someone who looks like you make fun of me like that?” Dex springs off the bed, pacing around as he works himself up.

 

“Wh–”

 

“I know what I fucking look like, alright, I don’t fucking need your goddamned input.”

 

“Dex!”

 

“What,” he bites out, whirling around to face Nursey, who stood up as Dex continued to rant.

 

“What the _fuck_ are you talking about?” Dex scoffs, baring his teeth at Nursey.

 

“‘The prettiest person in the room?’ Yeah, let’s pick the big-eared, gangly, awkward ginger. He’ll find it fucking _hilarious_.” He crosses his arms.

 

Nursey stares at him, mouth slightly open.

 

Dex fucking hates him. Hates that dumb look on his face, _hates_ how humiliated he feels, how part of him cringes every time he remembers how into the kiss he had to seem, how everyone knows how much he wants Nursey.

 

How much Nursey doesn’t want him.

 

To his horror, he can feel his eyes beginning to burn, jaw starting to tremble. He turns away hurriedly, shoulders tight.

 

“Get out,” he says, voice thickening.

 

“No, Dex, come on. You don’t understand,” Nursey says. Dex feels the first tear spill over his cheek, catching on his jaw.

 

“Out.”

 

“Dex–” Nursey grabs his shoulder and whirls him around. Dex flinches away and turns his head to the side, squeezing his eyes shut. “Oh.” Nursey’s voice is soft. Dex lets out a shuddering breath and clenches his jaw.

 

Defiantly, he turns and faces Nursey head on, brows drawn down and shoulders shaking minutely as a tear catches on the corner of his mouth.

 

“The only reason I like early morning practices is because you come in with bedhead and it’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen,” Nursey says breathlessly. Dex blinks in shock, lashes clumped with the tears he’s trying valiantly to hold back.

 

“I told you, it’s not fucking _funny_ , Nurse,” he chokes out from behind the lump in his throat. Nurse shakes his head vigorously, taking a step forward, gaze still locked on Dex’s face.

 

“The way the light catches your eyes when we’re at breakfast is breathtaking,” he continues.

 

“Nurse–”

 

“I dropped a dumbbell on my foot the other day when I saw you doing your squats.” Nursey starts to babble. “I have pages dedicated to the way your hands look when you work, entire collections devoted to the way you talk, laugh, smile, scowl, _anything_ . I love the way you sound when you tell Chowder ‘sweet dreams’ because you know it makes him smile, even though you think you sound like an idiot. I get butterflies whenever someone says your _name_ , Dex, I just–”

 

“Derek.” Nursey cuts off at the sound of Dex’s voice. He drops his gaze and takes a deep breath in. “You...you weren’t just fucking with me?”

 

“No, Dex.” He looks back up at Dex, and there’s more than a little fear in his eyes. “I think you’re fucking gorgeous,” he finishes quietly. Dex doesn’t say anything, just looking back at Nursey.

 

He reaches forward and presses his hand over Nursey’s heart, feeling the rabbiting beat of his heart under his palm, a fast echo of his own pulse in his ears. Dex lifts his hand and cups Nursey’s face with it, thumb brushing the soft skin just under his eye. Nursey shudders out a breath and closes his eyes, long lashes tickling the edge of Dex’s finger.

 

Their second kiss is almost the exact opposite of their first: no cheering, no audience. Just the quiet rasp of Dex’s fingers over Nursey’s stubble, the little noise Nursey makes when Dex sinks into the kiss a little deeper.

 

Dex breaks the kiss and leans his forehead against Nursey’s.

 

“You’re fucking gorgeous, too,” he says breathlessly. Nursey laughs, teeth flashing in the pale light of the moon streaming through Dex’s windows. He takes the hand he has tucked into Dex’s back pocket and the one pressed against his shoulder blade to spin Dex around and kiss him again, letting him fall back onto his bed.

 

Dex looks up at him, eyes wide, as he scoots back and lets Nursey clamber up and over his lap, straddling his hips as he leans down to reconnect their lips.

 

He leans his weight on the hand he has pressed next to Dex’s head and uses the other to card through Dex’s hair, which feels so fucking good Dex thinks he could be purring.

 

“Love the way your hair looks when it’s messy,” Nursey says as he kisses his way across Dex’s cheekbone to his ear, voice low. Dex gasps a little when he feels Nursey press a kiss to his ear and suck a mark into the skin just below it, right up against his jawline.

 

“ _Derek_.” Nursey drops his head to Dex’s chest, huffing out a laugh.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Don’t – don’t stop?”

 

“Never, babe.”

 

“Oh, pet names? Is that what we’re doing?” Nursey hums and kisses Dex again with a smile on his lips.

 

“Hells yeah.”

 

“I hate you.”

 

“You think I’m _hot_ , you think I’m _sexy_ , you wanna _bone me_ , baby” Nursey croons in a sing-song. Dex blushes red and grumbles indistinctly.

 

“Shut the fuck up, moron.” He pulls Nursey down into a kiss by the hand he has curled around his neck, fingers playing with the little curls there.

 

“That’s not a pet name,” Nursey says into his mouth.

 

“Why are you talking when I’m trying to kiss you?” Dex pouts at him. Nursey can’t help but to crack a grin and kiss Dex’s cheek.

 

“Aw, come on, you know I love you.” Nursey doesn’t realize what he says until Dex chokes on air, eyes wide and shocked.

 

“Oh my god. Oh my god, I’m the worst, what the fuck.” He tries to scramble off of Dex, but his foot gets caught in the blankets and he tumbles off the bed, landing hard on the wooden floor with a thump.

 

“Jesus, Nurse? You okay?” Dex rolls over to look down at him, grinning. His cheeks are bright red.

 

“Mgrph nfrthmp,” Nursey says, face down on the floor. Dex rolls his eyes. He leans down and pokes at Nursey’s shoulder.

 

“Hey, Nurse. Nursey. Nurse-a-rino. Derek. Der-bear. Derring-do. Dirk. De-de-de-de-derek. D–” Nursey rolls over. “Oh hey, there you are.”

 

Nursey won’t quite meet his eyes. Dex pats his chest and leans back up onto the bed, looking up at the ceiling.

 

“I love you too, you know.” He grins as Derek chokes below him.

 

“ _What_? You – you do?” Nursey’s head pops up from the edge of the bed. Dex pats his head, stroking gently over his curls, humming as he nods, apparently unconcerned. His heart beats far too quickly in his chest, and the fiery blush across his cheeks gives him away.

 

Nursey’s on him again in half a second, laughing as he pushes at Dex’s shoulder, wrestling with him in the small space of a dorm bed.

 

“You _asshole_ , I thought I fucked up _so badly_ , oh my god. I hate you,” he gets out between laughs. Dex is smiling up at him, easily fending off any of Nursey’s attacks. He gets his legs wrapped around Nursey’s waist and blinks up at Nursey through his lashes.

 

His red hair is mussed and falling over his forehead just a bit, his freckles illuminated in the moonlight. He bites his lower lip, letting his teeth drag over the petal-soft skin. Nursey stops his wrestling and stares, transfixed, as Dex tilts his head a little coyly.

 

In a flash, Dex has him pinned on his back, twisting his hips and flipping them over until he’s on top, taking advantage of Nursey’s distraction.

 

“Gotcha,” he says quietly into the space between them. Nursey lets his head fall back onto the pillow and smiles.

  
“Yeah, Dex." He strokes a thumb over Dex's cheek.

 

"You’ve got me.”


End file.
